Right now, as I sip coffee and type away on my front porch, I am undisturbed. The normal sounds of little feet trudging down the stairs and little hands opening the front door are absent. If I feel the need, I can go inside and use the bathroom without having to lock anyone out. You see, today is the first day that all four of my children are in school full time. Today is the first time in nine years that I don't have a little one at home (or two) to take care of and drag around town with me. Today is the first day of a new chapter in my life, and I can't help but wondering......
.....what will become of me? Even now I keep thinking that I should speed this up so I might have a chance of finishing this paragraph before she wakes up. Then I have to remind myself that she's already up....and gone! I don't have to worry about fitting what I need to do in the couple of hours available between meals. Hell, I can skip lunch altogether if I want to! The joy! I don't have to stress over whether or not she is going to run out of the yard the moment I turn my back. The relief! I don't even have to answer countless questions over, and over, and over again all .....day.....long. The rapture!
(Yes, I love my kids and I am already missing that little peanut. Is that clear? Let's move on then.)
Now that my schedule is finally my own (between the hours of 7am-5pm anyway), I find myself at a little bit of a loss as to what to do with it. Of course there are the obvious things that must get done like housework, grocery shopping, basic hygiene...., but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about me. My life. My purpose. What I was put here on Earth to do outside of my familial obligations. What is it?
I was hoping I'd have that figured out by now, but I don't. If you know me, then you know I'm a planner and not having a legit plan is rather troubling. I have spent the last nine years planning out, mulling over, and executing what I believed to be the best options for my four children. In those years, there were few times where I truly did the same for myself. My time was all but consumed with them, at no fault of their own, and that was OK. I wouldn't change that for anything even if I could. Now that their need for me and my time has changed significantly, I have to completely refocus my time and energy during the day and I'm realizing that that might be a tougher task than I'd originally thought. Perhaps the significant drop in interruptions will help bring around some clarity. Right now, so many ideas and half contemplated possibilities are flying around in my head that I can barely focus on what I'm typing. I feel like a Choose Your Own Adventure book at a seemingly mundane but secretly pivotal point. Where do I go from here? Which heart cry do I give heed to? How do I know which move is the best one?
The one thing I am sure of is that I need to give myself some grace and some time to adjust to this new normal. I need to allow my head to clear and fully embrace this new season. I need to trust that God will reveal what I need, when I need it, and not a moment before. I need to stop trying to see the final outcome, and focus on only what is right in front of me. As of right now, that is everything.
